Slacker!

Notice that I named this post Slacker! That is me when it comes to updating my blog. One of my biggest downfalls is that when I get overwhelmed, I have a tendency to shut down. I do this physically (can we say house cleaning) and emotionally. On my journey to mother hood, I have so many emotions that come with it and they change so frequently that I have trouble focusing my thoughts to write them down. So here goes, some things that have been rumbling around that brain of mine.

As some may know, I just got back from the trip of a lifetime. I had the great privilege to go to Harare Zimbabwe with my father. My Dad is president of an organization called Global Passion Ministries . He takes people on Short Term mission trips and turns kids into missionaries. I am so incredibly proud of him! However in the 12 years that he has been doing this, I have never been able to go with him. So when this trip came up, I just couldn't pass it up. Zimbabwe has always been my dream. Dad began speaking Zimbabwe into my life 20 years ago, so being able to go with him was amazing. We worked with Pastor Alan and Dorothy Graham who run a children's home and children's ministry in Harare. Children are my passion so I fit right in. The hardest thing for me though, was seeing so many children without parents and living in these poor conditions and knowing there wasn't anything I could do. The government of Zimbabwe will not allow foreigners to adopt their children. It was heart wrenching to hold and hug and love on these kids knowing I have a home that is just waiting to house children. My trip to Zimbabwe was amazing in so many ways, but it did a major change in my heart that I didn't know needed to happen.

James and I have been trying to have babies for quite some time now. And I know that we will have our own child someday. God promised both of us, and he never forgets his promises. But my Mommy heart changed in Zimbabwe. I changed from adamantly wanting to birth my own child, to just wanting to be a mom. It doesn't matter how my children come to me, I am just so beyond ready to be a mommy to someone. To share all of the love I have in my heart. To share this new experience with James, to grow our relationship even more. To make James a father. He is going to be an amazing father. So that's where I am right now. I am so grateful for my friends who distract me, and for my Godchildren who help pacify. And mostly for my wonderful husband who is so patient with me, and so loving and so, so understanding. And I promise, I'll keep up more with the blogging!

Helping A Friend Out.

As hard as it is some days to wait for my promise, I have to say that losing a child is far worse. I have a dear friend Rachel, who gave birth to twin girls at just over 24 weeks gestation. Unfortunately she lost both girls, shortly after their birth. I have been following her journey on her blog Waiting for Morning. This past week she launched the temporary website for her new venture Teamotions. I really encourage you to please go, take a look and if it sounds like something you would enjoy, please support her. If you go visit her blog, she tells you the story of how Teamotions came about, and it's a very moving story. I know in my own life, this past year has been one of the hardest years I have had to face, and I found myself treasuring my quiet time with my tea. It is amazing how comforting tea can be. So please go, take a look and enjoy. I look forward to trying Tea Hopefully. Because as we all know, Hope's kind of my thing!

Thanks,
Amanda

Living in Hope

I want a baby! Now actually that phrase doesn't even begin to express my desire to have a baby. I really wish I was able to express myself in writing the way my hubby can. In just a few words, he can paint a picture that could tell you his whole life story! However, this is just me, being me. I know my blog has changed forms many times. My life has taken many twists and turns, but the one constant in the last 10 years has been my desire to be a Mommy. I've actually wanted to be a Mom for as long as I can remember, but for reasons I may never fully understand, it just hasn't happened yet. I know that my weight was the main reason. And I know that God's timing is always perfect, but I really wish I had been able to have my surgery earlier in life. On that note, I have lost 105 pounds total, and I feel better than I have in a long time. I still have a lot more weight to lose, but it feels great to be in sizes that I haven't seen in almost 20 years. I have lost 5-7 pant sizes and 4-5 shirt sizes. (It all depends on where I shop!) That part has been totally fun!

Now back to baby, in April my Mom came to visit. Her first weekend here, we went to Atlanta to Celebrate my Birthday/Easter. We had a blast! I love Atlanta, it's such a fun city! Our first morning there, I had a dream in which I saw our Baby Girl. I really can't express what it was like to see her. I have felt for a long time that we would have a girl first, and a very trusted special friend in my life has also had a dream of this sort about my baby girl. When I woke up I just cried and told James over and over that "I saw her, I saw her, I saw her". She looked so much like her daddy, that there was no denying who she was. Now I have had a lot of dreams about me having a baby. I guess because it's always on my mind, It comes out in my dreams. But this was the first one that I actually saw my baby. And it was the first one that didn't completely devaste me. Something stirred inside of me that morning. It created an excitement in me that I would never have allowed myself to have before. I knew that morning that she was coming sooner rather than later. And since then I have this feeling of expectation and excitement. For the first time ever, my dream really feels tangible, and I know we are so close to seeing our promise fulfilled.

So that is the renewed purpose of my blog. I'm living in HOPE. My friend Katie helped me make my blog "pretty". And in doing so, we found the verse Acts 2:26. This leaped out at me! Especially the part that says "My body will also live in hope". Because that's where I am at. I'm getting everything ready for our miracle, and my body will also live in hope! Now don't get me wrong. I still have my days. Sometimes Hope does elude me, and you may come on here and find my blog a little down for the day. But don't fret. Just realize that any Journey where your hope is deferred is a very emotional, hard road. Full of ups and downs. But I promise I will always be honest. Even it makes me look like less than a perfect Christian. But if I can't be real here amongst friends, than where can I be real. Thanks for reading. It really does help to share! ~ Amanda

Rainbows, Teddy Bears and Unicorns

Anybody who knows me, knows that I'm generally a pretty happy person. My friend at work calls me "little miss Sunshine" all the time. James has called my his Sunshine for as long as I can remember. And to put it nicely, I'm a tad on the side of naive or innocent. I guess I have lived a pretty sheltered life. I grew up in church, saved at the age of 5 and baptised at 7. They didn't usually baptise kids that young, but after speaking with the children's Pastor, he told my parents that I really knew what I was doing. I have had an amazing relationship with God my entire life. I was also a PK. Nothing like having your father as your Youth Pastor. I loved it! But I was not usually invited to the parties. For Sure! My Parents were amazing examples and I never once felt like the ministry was more important than our family. So I never really felt the need to rebel. I definitely had a healthy fear of both God and my Father!

So a few months back I was sitting around talking with James and our good friends Scott and Katie. I have no idea how the topic of me and my eternal innocence came up, but the next thing I know James and Katie are pretty much saying that my life can be summed up in Rainbows, Teddy Bears and Unicorns and strolling down Candy Cane Lane. Everyone found this extremely funny, except me. I can tell you for a fact, I have never once given much thought to unicorns! But I guess that's beside the point.

The point is, it has stuck. I get reminded of this quite often! But I'm okay with it. Who cares if I am perceived as "Lil' Miss Innocent". I am very happy with the life I have lived. In these days and times, I feel like that I have taken the "road less traveled". And I do believe that has made ALL the difference.

A Blog of a Different Feather

Okay, so now that my actual surgery is over and done with, there doesn't seem to be much to continue to blog about. Oh don't get me wrong, for those of you few who may still be following, I will continue to blog updates on my weight loss. But when I started this blog, I thought the changes to my body were going to be what the new me was about. Oh if only I had known what 2009 was going to have in store for me.

The past 3 months have probably been the most chaotic time of my entire 31 years of life. But in this time of craziness, I have grown and changed so much. Me as my own person. With my type of personality, I have a tendancy to put most people and things ahead of my own personal needs. Probably one of the reasons I got as big as I did. But as I went through some very trying times, I learned how strong I can be. That is a new one for me! I have never considered myself to be a strong person, EVER! I guess my perception of strength did not meet up with Gods perception. I am a very emotional person, and I guess because the world sees emotions as weak, so did I. But I am learning to embrace who I am, because that's how God created me! Amanda! I am who God created me to be. I am a strong woman, oftens times I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. And I think that is something I've had to learn this year.

So my blog is evolving. It started with being just about a physical new me, but quickly turning into so much more! I'll post pictures soon of my weight loss. Almost 65 pounds down, and I am feeling great!

Loves ~ Amanda

I'm so behind!

Okay,
So for anyone out there who may still be following my complete lack to update information on my weightloss, I'm finally posting!

Surgery went really well. I love my surgeon! He is absolutly the most caring doctor I think I've ever had the pleasure to work with. Even down to my incision bandages being heart shaped! I spent 3 days total in the hospital. That was quite a shock to my system. I've never had to be in the hospital before. But Baptist Hospital in Nashville is amazing. I had some great nurses and techs! My mom and Dad were with me and that made the days so much better! And James would come after work and stay until I fell asleep. I had such a great support team!

Once home though, that was a different story! That's when I thought..."Oh Crap, what did I do" But after the first two weeks, life seemed to get back to normal. I took 3 weeks off of work and I am so happy that I did! And my mom stayed to whole time. She was a rock! And she cleaned out the majority of my house! Goodwill never say her coming!

Well here I am, almost 2 months post-op and doing great! For the first time in my entire life, food is not a priority. That is such a great feeling. And I am down 47 pounds and just 7 pounds to my first goal! Life is so exciting again! I look for ways to be more active, because I'm starting to feel good again. I really wish I could have done this years ago. But I know all things happen for a reason. I am down 2 solid sizes too. That's a neat feeling. And I love the reactions of my friends and family. Especially at church. I have some amazingly supportive friends.

So that's the last two months in a nutshell! I'll try to keep a better update and add some pictures soon!

Yucky Details!

Okay, so Monday I had to go do my Pre-op work. This included blood work, EKG's and Upper GI's. If you've never had an Upper GI done before, Thank your lucky stars! That was horrible! And it started at the lovely time of 7:30am. What a way to start your day. You basically drink a lot of yucky crap and turn around alot, so they can get a good look at your digestive tract. I have a horrible gag reflex. So this was not the best test for me! But gratefully I made it through, and I got to go pre-admit for the surgery. The first thing they did when they took me back was weight me. Which is always a good time for the fat girl! I walk into this little room and the nurse fiddles with this huge machine. I didn't think much of it until she asked me to get on it. I than thought to myself "what the crap" does she think she's weighing an elephant! The scale was ginormous! I comforted myself by telling myself that it's a scale they can get wheelchairs on. Yay that's it! Next was the EKG. I am so glad that nurse was a woman! She comes in and tells me that she needs to puts 2 stickies on my legs, 2 on my arms, 2 on my upper chest and 4 under my left breast. I immediately apologize for the fur growing on my legs, because of course I didn't shave my legs. Than she leans me back and yanks my shirt up around my throat. I was like "HELLO" and so very glad I had a good bra on! Geeze, that was an experience and a half. The rest of the visit wasn't so exciting, just lots of paperwork and signing of the ole John Hancock. All in all it was a major learning experience. I've never had any major thing happen that I had to spend any significant time in a hospital. So I learned that there is just no being modest in a hospital...lol! So that was quite a way to start out a Monday morning. Only thing left now is the actual procedure. Here's to March 30th! 13 days and counting!